I feel like I have two full time jobs. I have my real full
time job where I spend 45+hours per week, and my part time school commitment
that I have decided to commit a conservative 15 hours a week studying and
attending class. I knew something would have to give when I signed up for this.
I was hoping that thing would be my breaking point. I was hoping that if I
worked the hardest I could possibly work, stay focused the most I ever had
before, I would break down some kind of capacity barrier and reach that next
level of efficiency. Instead, I am finding my priorities shifting under my
feet. My relationships have crumbled, my hobbies are fading, and my health is
deteriorating. I am having serious doubts about the path I’ve chosen for
myself.
My relationships are crumbling. I was never really Ms
popular but I really felt like I was involved with a group of people that cared
about me. I still try to carve out some time to see them, but when I do, I find
that my conversation skills are lacking. All work and no play makes Maria a
dull Maria. And to be honest, a lot of my fulfilling relationships came from
climbing. My climbing partners are advancing without me, and less time spent
with them is leading to less time spent with them.
My climbing hasn’t been doing great. I can no longer find
the 10 hours a week I spent climbing. I have bought some sport equipment and
have gone out on the weekends working on problems trying to keep the muscles
up, but its not enough to maintain the 5.10 shape I was once in. I can no
longer onsite a 5.9 and even the thought of a mount woodsen hike is enough to
exhaust me. My photography hasn’t been as beautiful or fulfilling either.
My health is deteriorating, probably in large part because
of my new deficiency in exercise, but also because of the stress. I never have
any downtime anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night and worry. The
physical changes brought on by irregular sleep is leading to a biological
unhappiness. My body just doesn’t feel good. It is hard to be optimistic when
you are just tired. My late night diary entries reveal a new worry: that these
changes may be a natural progression of my life experiences. That at full
maturation I have grown into the real person I was meant to be: a shitty,
pessimistic, unhappy person. I am
holding out hope that this will all change once I am reconstituted by the next
full night of sleep. Maybe my acidity will fade with the next relaxing weekend.
I can’t help but wonder why I put myself through this.
I was interested in Materials Science, of course, but I was
more interested in the challenge. I wanted to learn how to be a harder worker.
I wanted my hard work to amount to something tangible. It is uncertain that
putting those years in at work will amount to anything greater than a pat on a
head and slightly better job security. I wanted another credential to validate
my capabilities. Also, I want to be seen as a knowledge worker instead of just
the mule I was meant to be. I wanted to get that feeling I had back in my
undergraduate program. I felt like I was so close to mastery of the subject. I
was crusading for the noble cause of innate understanding of the world around
me. My problem is that all those reasons are for me, and do not translate to
any use in the real world. I do not think my current employer or any in the
future will think my masters degree will make me a better engineer. After these
semesters exhausted from a full day of work followed by a marathon study
sessions, my original reasons for doing this seem so petty.
Some of my coworkers have suggested that I should just work
part time if I can afford it. I declined. It was like a knee jerk reaction for
me. It took me a while for me to realize why I would turn down such a perfectly
reasonable solution. I justified my reasoning by saying that full time work is
going to look better on my resume in the long run than a masters degree. The real reason is embarrassing and says too
much about me than I care to admit. I can’t do that because if I did, then I
would be admitting to myself that this was too hard. I’d be failing this little test I setup for
myself. It never was about learning, it was about proving to myself that I
could work harder, push myself further, and be worthy in criteria I set for
myself. That is an ugly reason because if its true, my whole education and my
whole career has just been an exercise in self worth, revealing a deep ugly vat
of insecurity. It was never about the money, was it?
Every once in a while I see a reasonable and healthy way
out. I could quit my job and graduate from my masters program in two years. I
am going to work for the rest of my life anyway, I might as well delay for a
scant few years while I am furthering my education, right? I could quit school
and obtain a professional certificate instead. That might lead to a more direct
salary increase sooner. When I have doubts like that, I recall a quote from
Abraham Lincoln that sheds a little bit of optimism back into the bleak hole
I’ve made for myself. He once said, “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a
knot and hang on.” Maybe the ragged edge of my capabilities is right where I
need to be.