Pardon my dust. This post overshares.
1)
This isn’t your only chance to make friends
I wasn’t very popular in high school. I
didn’t make friends like I saw people make friends on TV. I was apart of a
military family and I moved schools a lot. I didn’t have that one friend I knew
for my entire life. I thought high school was the ultimate test of how well you
would do in real life. I had the unfortunate understanding that I would live
the rest of my life alone.
Now I
know that there are a lot of people in the world and I only need a handful of
them to be close to me for me to feel like I belong to a community.
2)
There isn’t a right way to live your life.
I did my best to get good grades, make
friends, buy new clothes, and keep my room clean. I did
everything that I thought was right. I solicited advice from everyone I met. I ignored every instinct I had in favor of
whatever everyone told me was best.
For example, I showed a bit of skill in
painting. I ignored it as a career path because I was told that it would be a
dead end. It wouldn’t be right. I showed a lot of promise in math, science, and chemistry so people told me I should do that. They told me that people only pursue writing and painting if they aren't good at math. I was so insecure that I didn’t trust myself to
follow my instincts.
I don’t know where my painting would have went, but I wish
I took it further. Hell, I bet I would have crashed and burned, but I think I
would be a more interesting and happier person today if I took that kind of
risk.
3)
Skinnier doesn’t mean healthier/better/happier
I thought that people would like me and I
would be happy if I weighed less. It I had some sort of eating disorder. I didn’t
go to the doctor or anything. It wasn’t diagnosed. I wouldn’t eat for days. My
parents force fed me on some occasions. It was a low point in my life. It
wasn’t entirely me or the media’s fault either. There were a lot of people in
my life that enforced that mindset. I am happier and healthier now that I am
embracing healthy eating habits and an active lifestyle to maintain a healthy
body, instead of the fast and purge I used as a desperate effort to gain
acceptance.
To this day I avoid people that even unknowingly perpetuate this good/bad skinny/fat metric of beauty.
4)
Do not make decisions out of fear.
Teenage Maria was too practical. I
didn’t pursue painting, writing, or literature even though I showed promise in
it. I didn’t make any mistakes at all when I had the opportunity. I was too
afraid. I didn’t apply to any reach schools. I didn’t think I was good enough.
I was too afraid of how much large far away private universities would cost. I
could have been an ambitious dreamer looking forward on making a positive
change in the world. Instead I was bent over in fear, worried about how I was
going to land on my feet. Really. Its a shame too, because I had perfect grades, extracurriculars, references, and SAT scores.
Sure, part of that was being an
insecure person in a transitional part of my life. There was no reason for me
to think that things could turn out well. I wish that I knew that I could
flourish in life, not just survive.
5)
It gets better
My teenage years were more downs than
ups. I looked down the long road of my
life and didn’t see it ending well. I am
glad that I was unsuccessful in my attempts to remedy the situation because it
got better. High school just wasn’t very fun, and I was stuck thinking that it was supposed to be the best years of my life. What a joke. Now, I realize that
people who tell you that something is supposed to be the best thing in your
life are trying to sell you something.
I don’t have any regrets. I had the life that
is right for me. I just wish I was happier, healthier, and more confident.
